Months later and its crazy how many people have reached out and told me that I am brave, that I am strong, that I am inspiring. As much as I appreciate the kind words, I don’t think they fully understand. I am not brave, bravery is when you are fearless and ready to face and endure pain. I was afraid of it, I don’t think anyone is ever ready to face something like this.
As for being strong, it wasn’t something that I was either, it was something I was forced to be. The way I look at it, there were really only two options, meet him in the afterlife or live.The place I was in immediately after Philippe Olivier took his life was the scariest places I’ve ever been and admittedly I’ve been in some pretty dark places. I couldn’t leave my bed, I couldn’t shower, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t talk. But it was much worse than that. I was afraid of myself, I had zero control of my mind. It felt like someone was driving me down a long road to a place that I didn’t want to go but felt I had to. The thing that saved me was my family. The whole time I felt like a passenger in that car, they were driving right next to me and my focus was on them. If I didn’t stop, the people I loved most would feel exactly what I was feeling and being a person that always wanted to heal and help people, not destroy them, I realized then what giving up would do to them. Look what I was doing to me! I still cant find words to describe that feeling its simply just something you know if you’ve been through it. I imagine its something similar to what he felt. I’ve learned lot about the healing and I found the most to be true,
Healing is active, not passive. “We think that time heals. Time does not heal. Time is a revealer. Time can help you heal if you go through the process, but time, on its own, wont heal you. You need to actively sit & process. Every time you process through one of your thoughts/pains, every time you cry about it, write about it, talk to “God” about it… you get more & more healing.”
I am happy theses days. I’m proud of myself for how far I’ve come and for making myself sit with the pain. I do still have bad days, they typically hit out of nowhere and leave me feeling like I’m drowning, but I know they will pass. I stopped blaming myself and stopped feeling guilty and angry over what happened and I stopped feeling guilty for being happy and for moving forward with my life, because I am still here. I still get the occasional nightmare. I find sometimes I just cry, not particularly because of what happened but because the weight of everything feels so much heavier. Its true what people that have survived something like this say, “the pain never leaves you, you just learn to live with it.” I think that’s why the bad days are bad, you’re already carrying massive weight. They also say that after going through something like this you’ll never be the same, you’ll never be who you were before it happened. Do you know how terrifying that is? We all change, its part of life, growing, learning, expanding, but I loved who I was and it took me so long to get there. In the end that’s pushed me even more to not let this take away that person, instead become more understanding and loving and accepting. But some days even that is hard. Some days I love everybody, some days I trust no one. I find myself afraid that if I don’t answer the phone it could have been the last conversation I had with someone. I spend a lot of time alone, not out of choice but because a lot of people don’t know what to do. I found that no one really knows how to handle sadness, it makes them uncomfortable and although I am okay and happy and living, it feels as though they are always unsure. I tell the ones in my life excessively how much they are loved and valued. Death seems to linger around most of my decisions. Which sounds morbid, but its made my living richer. I appreciate being alive.
