I know you never got to read my writing and you wanted to. You were so proud of anything I did and right now this is the only thing I can do, write about you and write about what Im going through now that you’re gone.
Sleeping builds a wall between this ocean of pain and me but the exact moment my eyes open, the oceans pressure is too strong and it starts to seep through the holes until it completely knocks the wall down and I am drowning.
Being awake is the nightmare and its exhausting to hold on while everything slams against you and literally leaves you gasping. I feel my breath leave my lungs and a little more and a little more and my body is against me, air just keeps leaving until my lungs until they feel like they are shriveled up and vacuum sealed and I tell my body to inhale. I clench my teeth and squeeze my eyes shut and I cry and miss you as the pain invades my space. I can feel everything inside of me tingle and tremor and all I can do is wait for it to pass. Sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes I don’t think I can hold on and sometimes I don’t want to. Time is tortuously slow. I stare at the clock a lot just waiting for the day to be over but a minute takes an hour and an hour takes a day and my days feel like weeks. (The other day I put the tv to Netflix and only to find myself frozen staring at the choices screen for hours.) I cant go out in public, I cant leave my room, I feel sick to my stomach. Everyone outside is happy and living their lives and mine just stopped. I dont know how to live right now. Only how to survive. I have to tell myself to breathe and just getting up and showering is something I applaud myself for. There are no adjectives in any language that can describe how haunting and scary and alone this feels. Everything is heavy and hard. I read online that there are five stages of grief and they don’t have a chronological order. I dont even know which one Im in or which one I will go through next or how long this will last. I just know that Im trying my best and Im so tired and it’s only 3 pm.